"The Eye-a-toll-ah of Rock-and-Rolla!!!"

Sorry, man, he's been deposed. It's ok; Rock and Roll continues without religious guidance, and The Main Man himself is on a beach in ExDictatorStan, tens of millions wrung out of the blood of his fans as surely as borscht is made from beets.

But did you ever wonder about the deposed royalty of other musical forms? Wonder no more...Fluffy Stuffin has done some research for you!

• What does Mark Knopfler know about the overthrown Sultan of Swing? Is his band name -- Dire Straights -- a clue of some kind?
• A close personal 'friend' (shout out to A.H. in Caracas! 9 more years until the big 7-0! Party on the Unter der Linden, baby! Oops, should I be using my 'aloud' voice? M'bad!) informs me the Emir of Easy Listening has slipped back 'in country.' Ohio, one assumes...
• The Caliph of Calypso has become a true rotter; even his 'girlfriends' won't cover up for him any more...sad...
• The Rajah of Reggae is now living in East Orange under the name 'Arthur Pynche-Smedley', selling golf equipment to Sunbird Wannabes, and has a restraining order keeping him away from any member of the Marley family for reasons unknown...
• The Potentate of Punk & the Princess of Punk do their Sid and Nancy re-enactments in the Chelsea Hotel on demand. When you check in, make sure to ask for 'Pedro' and mention that 'Balthazar Getty is still playing pool somewhere up near 64th and Lex', which will get you the show...
• Le Pope du BeBop trolls the Loire region, hustling wine tourists with the sale of the occasional beret, and hasn't been the same since his contract for clove cigarettes came to an end...

Sounds grim, don't it? But this last bit of good news, obtained through mystical means involving the burning of a "Rockin with Dokken" t-shirt, a lock of hair from a Monkee, a Beatle, and a Cricket, and some sweat off the top of Brian Eno's head, should cheer you up:

The Monarch of Muzak is eternally in a elevator that has buttons for floors, but no floors, and plays Ute Lemper, Yma Sumac, Primus, Diamanda Galas, Gwar and a toy piano and a theramin, all at the same time, while the elevator goes up and down and up and down...in the Twilight Zone.