Sunday, April 09, 2006

Can this be?

The ever-charming Sundries?

We were discussing Easter clothes Over There at her blog, when she mentioned she had her red garb all set to go! So I searched the Entire Interweb, and I believe that I have in fact located her picture.

Yes, this seems about right! The non-headless one on the right that is!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Chico Marx explains the War in Iraq!

Welcome Chico, we're glad to have you explain the Iraq War to us!
Chico: I'm-a joost glad I can-a help.

First, Chico, what can you tell us about WMD?
Chico: My doc, he's-a say, "Baravelli, you must quit drinking," and I say, "Doc, you-a crazy!" But, sumagun, he's a-right, I quit drinking and I no see-a the WMD! The President, he's a-quit drinking too, so that explains it. It's a-simple when you think about it.

But what about the Straights of Hormuz?
Chico: Me, I seen-a that movie three times, and I still-a not know! Are they straights or hormuz? Groucho, he say-a to me, "If you can't tell that, I've got more land in Florida for you to invest in." But I gotta the rule: never invest-a ina da land of a clean sheep herder. Groucho, he say, "I'll bet if they offered you a cigar on Castro street, you'd take it," and I-a say, "I'm-a no smoke so close to Cuba, it's a bad for da digestion." I get-a bad case of the Abu grahib.

What about Abu Grahib?
Chico: OK, I lied, itsa-easy, I getta that after shellfish, too. A little-a bicarbonate fixa yoo right up.

What are your feelings on say, Blix? or Rice?
Chico: Blix and Rice? Atsa dance team, I think, workin-a' some dive near the East River.

No, no, Condelezza Rice!
Chico: Condelezza? She's that woman in the painting with-a the big smile. (Smiles) No wonder she-a dump-a that Blix guy, she's a gotta better job!

Chico: ZowCow-i? I'm a fine-a, Zow are you?

Do you have any feelings about the Kurds or the Shia?
Chico: Back in-a school, we do-a the skit about the Kurds and the tuffet, and the Little Miss Muffit, but we-a still too young, we know no She-a then! We let Zeppo do it, cause-a he knew-a the right whey.

The Sunni Triangle?
Chico: Ah, life, she's a good to me! I live-a in the California, the Florida, and the Italy, what more-a Sunni could you get a triangle?

Thank you Chico! Come back next week, folks, as Harpo explains the deficit as only he can!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

"Eh, Whadda gonna do?"

It was a hot day, and I was doin' some stuff which generated a fair amount of sweat and stink. I'm drivin' around and I didn't want to cook. I spy a fast food chain, let's call it Chalupa Glockenspeil. I coulda picked up the stuff, and cruised on home, but mmm, the Air Conditioning at CG is better than my tumescent cold air blower, so OK, I'll eat it here.

I place my order at the front of the line, and slidddde on down to the end of the line, and pay the nice lady with the "manager" badge.

She hands me a tray with a whole pile of stuff, none of which is what I ordered.

"Excuse me," I say very politely, "this isn't what I ordered." She looks up at her fist-sized blinky blinky screen, looks at my tray, and then says the title of this post.

"How's about giving me what I ordered?"

"Well, I could, but it'd take more time, I'm busy, and besides, you've got more food!"

I grumpily sit down and eat what I am given, all nacho cheezed off about it. As I walk the door of this particular Chalupa Glockenspeil, n'ere to return, I see a sign on the door, with the 800 number for complaints, and even the store number. That settles it -- I'm rattin' you out, store number Blah Blah Woof Woof!

When I call I get a GlockenDrone who's more used to dealing with employees about what exactly is covered when you "accidentily" stick your tongue in the deep fryer, than actual complaints. Being only a 2nd level Adept in ChalupaGlockenSpeilGedanken, it takes her several minutes to find out in the Big Book of WhatTheFuckToSayToTheMasses, the right script. She begins:

"OK, what's wrong?"

"I ordered this. I got that. I wanted this. Manager showed more indifference to my plight than Baseball shows to the General Public."

"Yes, but what's wrong with that?"

"Huh? I didn't get what I ordered!"

"Yes, but what's wrong with that?"

We go in a loop like this a few more times, all the while I'm thinking that this is the conversation that I will remember on my deathbed! Finally, my inner Corporate Obi-Wan deduces she's asking about the quality of the food itself! (low rat feet count, etc.)

"Nothing was wrong with the food." If they could've wrapped her sigh of relief in a tortilla, they'd have probably the best thing on the menu. Moving on!

Flip, flip, flip go the pages, until we get to our Proper Response:

"Would you like a Senior Chalupa Glockenspeil Executive to return your call about your complaint, or would you like to complain anonymously?"

My sense of paranoia came into full bloom; "ummm...I'd like to complain anonymously."

"Very Well. What is your name and address?"

"Do you not comprehend what anonymously means?"

"Well, we're not going to use the information! We merely want it for our records!"

I hung up, realizing I would just take the tray next time, and enjoy my undeserved bounty.

Somewhere, Rod Serling tilts his head back and laughs....