Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Fang Inquistor













See that fang-like thing on the yellow Post-It backdrop? Looks like a broken tooth doesn't it? Well, that's exactly what it is. More specifically, that's a part of my tooth. It fell out of my head today, too corrupt, too morally impure to stay in my head. The teeth that remain are the true Siberian cossacks; tough on top of tough, ready to schvitz in a gallon of Coke Blak if the Holy Mother insists on it and laugh while doing it.
Hell, this is Quisling isn't even the weak part of the same tooth; the other side might as well be wearing a grass skirt and telling the story of my life with its' hands for all the wiggling around it does in there. Where's my Dremel tool?

Although I have been known to fancy myself a Prince Myshkin type, I have no desire to bound up in some Dental Gulag of Despair; I'd LOVE a nice gleaming Autobahn of choppers, choppers I could rip Roger Moore's arm off with! (no chrome though -- maybe stucco!) So before I get the usual blah blah blah scolding: I don't have a dental plan, never have as an adult, and my father 'didn't believe in it' when everything could have been done for free back when Mustangs and Corvettes ruled the earth and I was knee high to an AC Cobra! I also lack money in vast quantites. I try to put a positive spin on things; one missing fanglet is not a 'missing tooth' but a Clitoral Port! But things continue to fall out of my head and soon I'll be an Honorary Pogue.

If I really thought a 'begging' site would work, I have a name for mine. The Fish Fang Fund. A Google map would be overlayed on each tooth, and clicking on it would reveal the state of that tooth. I might even use the Homeland Security Color Coding System with each one; it might be its first sensible use. As donations came in, I would go get the appropriate work done, complete with pictures and a narrative! (I do have a dentist whom I've used in dire situations, who's pretty cool, so a shout-out to Santine!) And when I'm finished? I'd either donate the subsequent funds to a general purpose dental fund, or perhaps pass on The Great Pirate Roberts title to someone else equally deserving...

Ah, well, pass the vodka and blinis...

Rest In Peace, Small Fluffy Bit of Ron

5 comments:

FOUR DINNERS said...

An honorary Pogue!!! What more could a man ask for?? I now expect a rousing rendition of "Fairy tale of New York" on site for my Chrisy prezzie. (Camie can do the Kirsty McCaul bit)

Avoid sticky toffee at all costs..

After 3
1
2
3

(You)
It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

(Camie)
Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

(Alternate)
They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome
You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

(Together)
The boys of the NYPD choir
Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

(Alternate)
You're a bum
You're a punk
You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
(Camie)
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

(Oh fuck it you know which bit...)
I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you

the cappuccino kid said...

ouch! painful?
what a song dinners! rip kirsty.

d34dpuppy said...

do u has a dental scholl near enuff 2g2? thay cahrage wot u can pay n u get guys in tha last year 2 work on u

Cynnie said...

Come to the Isla de Incanto!
Dental care is Cheeeep.
You notice my shiny whites?
its the only thing cheap on this island

Camie Vog said...

If you don't post something fast, to move that nasty tooth down a page, I WILL NOT sing that song with you!