Inspired for Christmas?

Feeding my Web Spiders!

For Interweb reasons, I get a lot of hits on this blog from people looking for pics of Scarlett Johannson, so let's make them happy, shall we?

The other night on Leno, she blew her nose into a tissue...and well, they're selling it on Ebay, where it's up to $4K!

SnotRag+Lipstick!

If I only had $4K....I admit, I still wouldn't buy this! Even though it is for charity!

UPDATE: Final Price $5,300! Who says we're broke!

Floating back in my head...

Although it's never left my thoughts, more ideas for my novel emerged last night as I was drifting off. This is a good sign as the most writing for the novel has occurred out of that dreaming state... Darcy asked about the other day, and more writing will take place this week I think...

Just letting you know, I ain't dead yet.

In The Green Oasis

This one is with mucho love for Camie. Enjoy, M'dear!

Bettie Page

Ah, Bettie Page has just passed away at the age of 85. I hadn't gotten around to it yet, but is she a Saint of the House of Fun? Of course. Thanks, Bettie, for being cool...

Bonus: Bettie in Teaserama!

What tha?!? Austerlitz day?

"Dude, I so got over that Nappy thing! Give it a rest! We're all dead and gone, and hell, even France doesn't care about him anymore."

Celebrate me instead!

Happy Austerlitz Day!

Hey! What's this pic of Astaire doing here? Well...it is Austerlitz Day here at The Stuffin', and that is Mr. Astaire's real last name....
Nappy looks on, unamused! May the Grande Armee of your life prevail for you as they did 203 years ago for L'Emperor!

Cool Vid 4 -- ever been divorced?

TCM. Cake.

Cool Vid 3

Muse. TCM.

Cool Vid 2

Beck. TCM. Enjoy!

Cool Vid of the Day

This one is for Cynnie! Is this she and I doing the Cha-Cha? "All Signs Point To Yes"



And Cha-Cha all the way to Cha-ChaVille!

Representin' For My Althousian Bruthas!

You're it!

Got a mortgage?

I'll take a swing at this!

"And if some dimbulb should say,
We were in love in some way,
Kick all his teeth in for me,
And if you feel like keeping on kicking,
Feel free." -- Magnetic Fields

My fellow blogger, the charming Cynnie is now giving advice based on her scant but wizened years on this globe to what questions matter to you. I will now return the favor, and post the questions and answers right here for the world to read.

Fred in my head

If you're not reading AmbivaBlog you should! Honest, intelligent, human, warm and inquisitive -- what more do you want? Her post about dancing the other day naturally brings forth the very charming "My Shining Hour" from 1942's "The Sky's the Limit" with the then 17-year old Joan Leslie:



Do yourself a favor. Go find a light fantastic and trip it, will ya?

The Fluffy Mobile needs work...

and we have much anxiety about this...but not this much work!

New York!

It's been awhile since the Stuffin has been on a trip... but we went to NYC last week for a brief visit, thanks to my friend "Pete" Kadur and his Sig Oth + Childrens! So we had to go back to Carmine's. Here's to you PVK:

What do you think, the new FS picture?

Here we are in the same shot. Isn't Pete handsome? or just cute? or looking like he's trying to sell me something?


There's more to life than alcohol abuse. Not much more, but there is eating! Thus, a menu!


All of New York was worried about their stock portfolios that week so I, too, had to pretend I cared. Note the gravitas -- or perhaps merely heartburn!


Alas, that's all I got (well, maybe more later :) ) as my camera came back from being fixed two days late for me to take it! Ah, well, next trip!

Some girl I know watched the debates...

How ugly a girl must I be as a voter when the two guys plying me with drinks, trying to seal the deal, do so with less enthusiasm as an octogenarian on a cruise?

One swore that he would pull out early and who believes that!?
Besides, I think he thought that that was what I wanted to hear, but how much of a difference would that make anyway? His delivery wasn't as smooth as the bankers and hippies hanging around him, and not as sincere. His grinning friend with the hair plugs didn't make him any sexier.

The other swore that even though the last guy from his office broke my heart and made me cry, he was different, and that "Change was coming", which, as a pick up line, is...uninspiring.
He swore I'd take home more money when he was through, but a 10% discount coupon for boat insurance from AIG and a partial ownership in a timeshare in Reykjavik is not what I would call "more."

His cute-as-a-bug daughter? --granddaughter?-- might wink at me and have me throw him a pity pout, but only once, and not again, even four years from now.

The only Change that is coming in this girls life is my pension, which I'll find between the cushions of the sofa, I think.

Sincerely,

Fluffette

Wake up!

more animals

and Dad can freak out too!

Some dad's first reactions on M3 Turbo

again from Autoblog.

Should I take the spouse for a drive or not?

F1 driver Riccardo Patrese takes his wife out for a lap(in a Civic Type-R!)...with hilarious results in Italian!

from Autoblog.

Fluffy Road Trip?

Few people realize how good The Chrysler Building is at playing hide-and-seek. No, really, it's true! It would constantly surprise me, especially in Zabar's...

So we seem to be going back, very soon, to renew our rivalry...

and we may go here...
or here...
If Camie were with me, we'd go here...right?

and soon...reports!

Sadly....

Saint of the House of Fun, Don LaFontaine, has passed away at 68. Thanks for the trailers, Don!

"When you die, the voice you hear in heaven is not Don's. It's God, trying to sound like Don. I wish he'd quit his day job..." -- Ashton Smith

Here's is my older post about Don.

She's not your father's Spiro Agnew!

Is this really the VP candidate? Oh. My.

from usemycomputer

Surrounded by the right people!

See that woman with the fur collar, and the red, white, blue, and uh...purple corsage? Front center, between Mr White Fur Viking and Ms Wonder Woman colors steel bra?

Why, that's now John McCain's pick for vice president, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin!
How could you not want to vote for the new Algonquin Society?

Plus....she'll supply America with venison...
and fish!


UPDATE:

This is Sarah Palin as Miss Wasilla!


This is Dawn Wells of Gilligan's Island fame, where it was a much warmer place than Alaska...
Still, the resemblance

Yow! Did she catch this bear? How 'bout that crab? What's next, rail splitting? Chopping of cherry trees? Clearly, a legend in the making!

Some candidates visit Cannes...some bring the baby to the market because they're out of... all kinds of stuff, and it's good to grouse with someone else in the same boat! Who ate all the Pringles? That spouse o' mine... At least her friend clearly could make some burgers, or "loose hamburgers" in those hot dog buns...some onions, a little chili sauce...some extra moose meat for flavor...so life is good.

most extra pics from HuffPo!

A Fluffy Poll!

Do you blog or read blogs in your underpants?
	Yes
	No
	Wouldn't you like to know!
	Yes, but not my genders underpants
	Do small woodland animals count?
pollcode.com free polls

A hat tip...

For regular Althouse readers, it's long been known that commenters extraordinare Trooper York and Victoria have deserved their own shot at Bloggingheads...and I hereby give it to them!

Those Fabulous Astaires

So Fred Astaire is lovingly looking at his sister Adele here, but Adele...she's looking at us! I wonder what she's thinking...

Double Blimpage .... and phone pole!

So you race outside when you see that there are TWO blimps around town at the same time, just to get their picture, and what's in the middle? The phone pole! Ah, well...

August?

Holy moley, August is already a week old! These are truly the dog days in Ann Arbor, bounded by two events; the end of Art Fair in July, and the beginning of Football Season, towards the end of this month. It's easy to get parking! Things are relatively quiet! Alas, soon to be over...

Despite the emptiness of the fridge, I blundered into a way to make a good pot of beef stew, so that was done, and I've been eatin' on that one for a couple of days...

Things are quiet in blog land, Camie has been very busy with small children, and some of the noble corps have moved on...but I find new blogs, have fun with those, and bring back to this one little bit of spiritual nourishment, and let it cook slowly, like my stew...

Happy Birthday Victoria! After a long disappearance, she's back, but now on Euro-holiday...

Amba, you've become a favorite in a very short time! I check in every day.

It's all good!

Troublemaker...or Genius?

This young man needs your support; I could talk him up to beat the band, but, I'll let his mother do it. Go here and let Camie explain it. We at the Stuffin think the world of The Little Man and want him to exceed all our expectations! If you love Fluffy, give it up for The Little Man!

Hey Fluffy, what's in the fridge?

A bottle and a half of ketchup, 2 things of lemon juice, a good salsa, an old salsa that needs to go away, some pickle relish, some grated cheese, some mayo, and some mustard. That's it!

Bar Friends

Here's Camie and friend Cher outside at a bar sharing a beer with ol' Fluffy...being Ann Arbor, this is during the "EcoFair", where they're trying to get you to buy an Electric Lada, or compost your dead relatives or something. My English friends (and Cynnie too!) could be also enjoy beer with us, but alas...

Nothin' to do?

So what do the women of the Aircraft Carrier Ronald Reagan (I believe) do on their off days?

Shoot a video of course!

Fireworks for idiots!

These morons start shooting their fireworks at each other and....



I admit I laughed myself senseless...

Yes, I think we need blogger medals also

The USAF is proposing this badge for their Internet whiz-bangs...formal recognition and all. Shouldn't there be medals for bloggers also? Let's imagine some...

Blog-we!

I know I haven't been writin' as much as I should. Camie and I both have been expending energies on things that are gnawing our heads, not leaving much room for good thoughts to blog about. But Cynnie has been inspiring, and I love how her blog is so much her. That's why I like it as much as I do, even though I simply couldn't blog like that if I wanted to. But her blogging has got me back on the horse here. Plus, the writing of Amba has been amazing.

It's taken me awhile to figure out how much I have to write out of me. I simply can't blather on about things in the paper, or current events, or even about my hobbies per se. Nor do I want to just talk about me; I want you to take something for yourself, to make you happier, smarter, better, however you define it, from my writing. But it's funny to think how much the idea of that makes me happier, gives me a bit more focus.

I'll try to write more out of the depths of myself, just to make sure I'm doin' it right. Stay tuned.

Fireworks!

Last night Detroit had its big fireworks display in the Detroit river alongside Windsor, Ontario...

Here's just a bit of the finale; there is panning between the three main explosion areas, but the sense of the energy of the finale is there....

Cyd Charisse

Farewell Cyd... gone at 86, with the longest current Hollywood marriage (I believe) at 60 years to Tony Martin...

This is my favorite number of Astaire's, outside the pictures with Ginger, Dancing in the Dark:

It's the 793rd anniversary of the Magna Carta today!

I got this sweet Tagging idea from Amba, so let's let her rip! (rule 1 done!)

My Factoids:

1.) No Green Peppers please! Red and Yellow Peppers are fine.

2.) Size 91/2 EEEE feet. Only brand of sneakers (New Balance) will fit.

3.) Haven't spoken to either of my two sisters in many years. Have no idea where my father is buried.

4.) One of the two greatest "Cat Battlers" [fighting by throwing stuffed felines at each other] in America. Camie knows the other one.

5.) Longs to go back to Carmines near Times Square in a way sometimes that is irrational just because I've always had a good time AND something interesting has happened when I've been there. Will accept invites.

6.) Has never been to Europe, due to astonishing lack of money.

7.) Has asked Nietzsche for advice in my head, and usually heeded the advice I've gotten back.

I tag: Camie, Cynnie, Manic Street Preacher, Sippican, Victoria,AckNak, and Cappy.

So here are the rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
5. Present an image of martial discord from whatever period or situation you’d like.

I cheat a bit on rule 5, just cause it's Magna Carta day!

Fluffy's White Bean Salad

Ingredients

1 lb dry White Beans (also called cannelloni beans) or 2 16oz cans.

1 red onion

2 cans tuna

1 can minced tomatoes

1 cucumber

dry parsley flakes

1 can black olives, whole, pitted, small size

olive oil and lemon juice (for vinaigrette)

salt and pepper to taste.

if beans are dry: soak beans overnight. Next day, drain beans and with fresh water cover and boil on a simmer for 90 minutes. Remove from heat, drain and let cool.

Cut onion and make quarters, then dice those quarters.

Cut fairly thick slices of cucumber, then quarter those slices.

Cut olives in half lengthwise.

Combine beans, onion, cucumber, tomatoes, tuna, olives, salt, pepper and parsley. Stir together.

Make vinaigrette whisking lemon juice into olive oil. Add over salad.

For Cappy!

Well, I see that cappy has bought himself a ukelele! Good for him! But he should have got one of these....

Oh, yeah baby...

New Masthead, perhaps?

Well, not for me, but look, here comes Bogie looking for Sundries in the real-world San Francisco representation of her blog! Well, at least in the Maltese Falcon at roughly the 56 minute, 35 second mark...

For those who wonder...

Camie's been having computer problems lately, part of her reason for lack of posting and reading your blogs and such...

She'll be back soon!

This seems mighty cool...

OK, you go here.

You give them $10. (free shipping)

And they send you something! What? Who knows?

Now there's a business model...

10000!

Finally, after too long a time, I got to five figures! And who is lucky 10000? Me, of course...

Happy, happy!

I'd like to think that people come to this blog for the witty writing, and odd ball videos, but my sitemeter tells me the truth: most of you dudes are out there looking for pics of Scarlett Johannson, and somehow, search engines lead you here. So here's one more!

Since she just recently announced her engagement, we at Fluffy Stuffin wish much happiness for one of our Saints of The House of Fun, so do the wedding up right!

From the House of Fluffy

My first video for Fluffy Stuffin in quite awhile! Well, the lilac bush won't last too long, so enjoy it while you can!

Are you this happy now?

Will you be soon? Do post and let Fluffy know!



watch for the cool dog at the end!

Just a little dab'll do ya...

I know I haven't post for a bit...It's sad to see so many of dropping off, but it may just be the need to get out and about in the world. I am inspired to see Sundries back, so I can't help but post if she's going to!

For those of you who drop acid, Albert Hoffman, its creator has passed away at 102.


Hope you are all doing fine!

Do you love the world?

They do at the Discovery Channel!

for major coffee nerds!

Ok, I found this on Neatorama: The latte ink jet printer!




I see that Boing Boing has done the same thing! Great minds and all...

Jascha Heifetz

The only violinist I am in awe of! Amazing talent, quite an intelligent interesting person...and that killer vibrato! Of a style we no longer do, but still...check out this bit of Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto...it's 12 minutes long, but sit back and be amazed!

My Faux-riety Papal Arrival Headline

Benny's Beanie Boffo!



B-day Blowout causes Holy "C"ristal


to flow like Blood of The Savior while ObergeistFuehrer asks: "Where my Bee-shops At?"

Papal prepub poop chute plugger preventer ix-nays possible priestly pedos: "Y'all dead ta me!"

I know, i know...

I haven't posted in a bit; i've had a spot of business!

Get Fluffy my stuffed children and enjoy this one:

The meme blazes on!!!!

So here we have another of our Black Sabbath/Deep Purple covers! This time "Paranoid" covered by a kids band! The lead singer is 9 and everyone is 11 or younger! Mui Cool!!!

Michigan Central

I was born and raised in Detroit. If you ever go there, cruse by this, the old abandoned train station. Much of Detroit has abandoned buildings, but few as grand as this 1913 Beaux Arts structure... used in the Transformers movie, and also The Island.

Camie and Bob

Back in the day, Camie worked at a news stand...and so we have a nice posed shot with her and my friend Bob, now a French historian, checkin' out the magazines...note that Bob is looking at 'Marquis'!

Luxury!

I saw on another blog today a meme I wish to carry forward...if you were totally strapped for cash, what luxury-type items would try the hardest to keep in your life? Cable? Some foodstuff? Booze? Cigs? What do you just have to have?

Coffee headed the list for myself...good coffee!

U R HYDING FRUM CRIME!!!

from one of my fave sites!

Mighty Cool Vog

Our favorite Mama Vog, Central Park NYC, 1997

Xuxa!

Goddamn it, what the hell is going on here? It hypnotized me anyway...

So this past weekend...

....Camie informs me that Driver 8 spent far too much time cutting the cheese! Yes, she told me that today!

Me Bloomin' Title!

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Emperor Fluffy the Excited of Chalmondley Chumleyton Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

from Cynnie!

Blog-ennui!

Camie, Cynnie, myself...we've all got the blogging blahs...why is this so? I think the winter was not a kind one to us, and now that spring is almost here, we want to go out into the world and be there, not at the blogging grindstone...

But it shouldn't be like that, cause we can do what ever we want! Maybe the sun and seeing more folks outdoors will charge the old batteries, and give us stuff to chat about.

I wish I could come and meet with you all out there in our little group, but, man, funds are non-existant and life is just a pain-in-the-butt struggle most times. If and when we meet for real I think we will all get a charge out of it, and much blogging will resume. I may follow Camie's lead and put up a video of meself just rambling on for no reason, which I think others will enjoy!

Stog M'hone!

There was a time...when Camie and I were building financial empires...how'd that work out, CV?

This is Mama Vog back when we first started hanging out...note the Oasis love! This was before they became a pack o' drunks! CV and I even went to see one of their first shows here in NYC, which was pretty cool. I have more such pics...interested?

Ah, spring...

Maybe it's coming here to Ann Arbor, I don't know, I can't see for all the white-out effect of the snow. But this guy understands the upcoming Pothole Season better than most...

The Damnable Roads

aha!

We see Herr Dinners has hooked up with Paris Hilton as we always thought he would!


A bit of a shave needed then, eh, son?

As Friends of the Stuffin' know...

...For some reason I get a lot of hits from Google image searches on Scarlett Johannson.

Now make an Ol' Fluffster happy, and let's pitch in to get Ron this:

http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=on-the-red-carpet

Scroll down a bit for item #2...

75 and still pissed off!

No, this is not me when pissed off....I'm not 75 yet!

Today is the 75th anniversary of the release of King Kong!


Not a huge fan of the Big Ape, but, hey, 75 is significant...

Up at some ungodly hour, writing about this and that

It's 6:30 and I'm awake. I should be asleep, but I can't sleep. I've been up for awhile, and I'm infomercialed out. Let's drone on and see what happens.

There's a big scandal in Detroit, my hometown, and it's like watching a car wreck in slow motion. Things at present are bad, and they ain't gettin' better. A longtime friend of mine wanted me to write about Detroit, and there's no way in hell I'm doin' that, 'cause it depresses me too much.

Someday I hope to drunk post like the Kung-Fu Master of drunk posting, Herr Dinners... When I do, I'll make it a special post just for y'all....

More goddamn snow. I am officially sick of it, and want spring to come...

Though Noah was sick, Beanie was a lot of fun the other day at the House of Fog, er, Vog....

Cynnie...you're not getting older just cuter in a more complex way...

There's no funds at the nonce, and food is down to Vog supplied eggs...so omelets it is!

Baseball season cometh soon! Hot Damn! I am looking forward to it...

Nursing my reheated coffee...ugh... maybe a fresh pot later.

I will post again, when true awakeness occurs, my peeps!

In another world...In another time...

He's the best in the biz. You've heard him a gazillion times, and you probably don't even know his name. And, on top of all that, he seems like a pretty cool guy!

Don LaFontaine is... A Saint of The House of Fun.



and if he ever came across this...I'd faint if you did my voice message on my answering machine... plus, when I shoot my indie, there will be no other trailer voice even considered!

Didn't I just simulate, like 80% of the Internet?

So, I read a post on usemycomputer.com that I think is funny and I thought was written by John Cleese. I decide, as Camie notes, after a bit of fun with a young lass I know, to write a counter-rant to the rant. Then I send it to usemycomputer.com. -- thanks for link, guys! -- and they post it, creating the Greatest Day for The SiteMeter of Fluffy Stuffin'.

And then it turns out the thing wasn't written by Cleese, just some generic ill-tempered anti-American dude!

Ah, well, the net in a nutshell...

A Yank returns the favor

Here we have a missive from one J. Cleese, former entertainer, to which a regrettable reply must be written (in bold, betwixt his disgorgements): [revisions on 2/17 in brackets] It's just a bit o' parody, y'know!

John Cleese’s “Letter to America”

15 02 2008

Originally uploaded by Browserd.

Dear Citizens of America,

Dear employees of DisneyCoUK,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

We decline your revocation, and thus insist upon return of all Lend Lease vehicles provided in the period known as "WWII", or failing that, appropriate cash value prorated and compounded since 1938. Failure to provide such compensation will result in the turn over of The United Magic Kingdom to The Third Reich Collection Agency. We will accept Scotland as initial payment.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Incorrect. Queen Elizabeth II shall resume her hand waving duties at Cinderella's Buckingham Palace, (known as "The Buck House", in proper Texan) until her 15 minute break begins, whereupon she is allowed to smoke in a location at least 50 feet from the entrance. The former "royal" known as "Prince Charles" ' name shall be changed to an unpronounceable glyph, thus heightening his "Q" rating. Former princes Harry and William shall be renamed "Charming" and "Aladdin" and assigned shifts when their outfits return from the cleaners.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
The return questionnaire will be expressed in ways that employees of DisneyCoUK can understand: "Do you feel lucky? Well, punk, do you?"

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. For a division of DisneyCo, your inability to grasp the concept of "bugger off" that you yourself have created is grounds for termination.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.” No individual whose fame, wealth, and reputation is partially based on his pronunciation of "knights" as "k-nig-its" shall ever be allowed to comment on the writing, spelling and pronunciation of US English, henceforth known as Vista English. Nor shall the creator and former head of The Ministry of Silly Walks shall be allowed to remark on walking, strolling, jogging or any other foot-based forward motion of anyone else.

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,

but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
This term is acceptable, as long as it is the anthem performed by The Sex Pistols.

[All subsequent DisneyCoUK employee funerals will play some variation of "Candle in the Wind," to stimulate CD sales.]

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will

be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.” This locution is terminated under the "You can kiss my hairy yellow butt" Homer Simpson clause of your DisneyCoUK contract.

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Such passive-aggressive statements for DisneyCoUS employees would be dealt with by an appropriate spanking, however Upper Management is aware that such treatment for subdivision employees would remind them too fondly of their educational experiences. Thus, the correct palliative for DisneyCoUK employees would be regular flossing.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
DisneyCoUK employees do not need vegetable peelers, as per your tribal tradition of boiling all foodstuffs until greyness is achieved, whereupon lard is added. Henceforth all boiling by DisneyCoUK employees is banned. Italians may be employed for pasta water boiling, and all tea shall be placed in pouches like Red Man or Skoal and chewed, like tobacco.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Yes we again are grateful for your reminder of the inferiority of American vehicles vis-a-vis their German peers in the 1940-1945 periods. Please report to a superior German made train which will properly seat you in an oven or shower of a design of such efficiency that it is not achievable in America. Bring your shower cap, gold fillings, and gratitude!

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour. Use of the terms "roundabouts" and "humour" allow you your standard employee allotment of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors as per your Employee Manual. See the section "Feeling Goofy?"

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it. Subdivisions of DisneyCo shall report to Corporate, not the other way around. Failure to comply will result in your divestment to Tata Motors, like Jaguar and Land Rover.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar. As DisneyCoUK falls in the territorial waters of DisneyCoIceland all cod and fried potato decisions will come from Reykjavik. Mr. Cleese would be aware of this, had he bothered to install Service Pack 1 of Vista English, but this is clearly a technically skill beyond his ken.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
So as to afford the proper verisimilitude to an otherwise otherworldly DisneyCoUK dining experience, of course.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. British Bitter is not a proper name but a state of being cured by ice cold Budweiser. and Nascar. [The irrational fear of the refrigeration of beer is really a fear of class conflict. Better to drink the room temperature contents of the crankcase of a Morris Minor than enjoy something actually cool and refreshing that may question other British food choices and upset the existing social order.]

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. When non-buggery related acting skills are required, English actors are insufficient and such parts will be filled by members of the Commonwealth whose nations are sufficiently fiscally supine, as per historical tradition.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Hugh Grant fulfills this contract obligation, and the casting of non-Hugh Grant actors will dilute the Hugh Grant brand, which would be understood by Mr. Cleese if he had had the business acumen of someone who was not British Bitter.

[ Mr. Cleese is of sufficient age and sagacity himself that we would allow him, in a lesser fantasy or sci-fi epic, to be the filmic embodiment of a plastic figurine, provided with no fewer than 4 animated Dead Parrot Ghost sidekicks, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, Courtney Love, Fran Drescher, and Henry Rollins. Resourceful American children, in playing with this life-like toy, would, invariably, stick the plastic head in the butt of the house cat, thus anticipating both critical reaction to the film itself, and a neat visual summation of the actors career. In exchange for saying no more than a dozen lines written by a Southern Californian screenwriter whose cocaine expenditures are a significant digit of the Columbian GNP, Mr. Cleese would receive more money than all British actors have received throughout all of history combined. In his contractually obligated appearance at the premiere of this epic, he would express his great interest in reprising his role as Rectal Doody-Head KenobiDooku in exchange for enough money to either buy Wales, or an amount of ladies undergarments capable of eliciting from himself 2-3 semi-erections over an 8-10 week period of masturbation. He would then go back to being British Bitter and complaining to all who will listen of his lot in life...]

Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater. That Emma Thompson is the manliest actor working today in DisneyCoUK, is all the refutation needed to this line of argument. Further discussion may be had with the newest head of all DisneyCoUK education as pertains Vista English, one Dick van Dyke. [Kenneth Branagh's ersatz Woody Allen impression in Celebrity makes Ms. McDowell's work in "Four Weddings" look like the Platonic Form of Katherine and Audrey Hepburn.]

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”). That speakers of Vista English would put on neon colored (note the proper spelling!) panties that a Montmartre prostitute would find garish as a "uniform", and willingly lose repeatedly to non Vista English speakers in a sport analogous to watching squirrels forage in a park, is the clearest violation of the Vista English contract. The contractual exemptions to this are NBA basketball, and any sport , including checkers , played by Australians, which assume a virility not understood by filthy, bed wetting English k-nig-its, who express their love for "soccour" (shouldn't that be its proper spelling?) by their secret desire to be Victoria Beckham.

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Mr. Cleese is unfamilar with the concept of "Japan" (at the very least!) as it was not one of the countries held at gunpoint by his nation within the last 100 years. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven. Not an error, a feature. Every day the world should be grateful that DisneyCoUS does not have an interest in world affairs that most European branches of the corporation have had historically. If we had indeed had such interest, I would have requested Mr. Cleese be my pet Englishman, given to me by one of the sons of Harry Truman who would still have reign over England, Wales, and France.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad. JFK's assassination was a staged event designed to increase revenues for the Hall of Presidents, which, again , Mr. Cleese would have understood had he installed Service Pack 1.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776. Mr. Cleese's misunderstanding of the corporate structure of his organization includes his lack of awareness of Benjamin Disraeli's "Thank You Abraham Lincoln, may I have another?" clause in the contract, rendering this specious attempt at tax revenue collection Null and Void.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Yes, and I fart in your general direction sir!

John Cleese

Would you like a psycho daydream in black and white?

Busby Berkeley will happily supply one here in this clip from Dames(1934). Dick Powell is dreaming of his girl Ruby Keeler on the subway, then slips off into crazy land! See his expression at 0:26! Then Ruby Keeler shows up everywhere, eventually coming out of the iris of Ruby Keeler to be an image in a handmirror eventually grabbed by Ruby Keeler.... you see where I'm going here.

Machine Head Madness!

Over at his cool blog, Sippican Cottage has several bizarre versions of Smoke on The Water the old Deep Purple song. So I suggested we assembly the whole Machine Head album! Let's start with Highway Star! (Oh, and buy his furniture!)

A tip o' the cap...

To fellow blogger and all around good guy, Four Dinners:

Gemma Atkinson says you keep on shinin' my friend!

Behold! The Cake!

A good group of folks, including, of course, Camie, Driver 8, The Little Man, and The Beanpot all showed up at Amadeus in Ann Arbor for my Birthday Lunch/Dinner... And a good time was had by all... here's the Apple Torte cake they put a candle in...

Half a century of ridiculous nonsense!

For the big Five-Oh! it would appear the ladies have made the theme "White." Is this the promise of rebirth anew? Or the Japanese color of Death?

The party begins tomorrow...and y'all are welcome! If you have a blog, post a picture of yourself in white just for the hell of it! Let's greet the ladies as they've come in...

Yes, Salma, the birthday is tomorrow...would I kid about that?

Ah, Sandy, always sublimely ready... and lookin' good!!!

Mira's waiting for...what? I'm not sure, but clearly she's ready for the whole event...


I see Jennifer Connolly has brought Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts...fine, fine, more the merrier...


Ah, Ginger...bored, but beautiful as always!

Can anyone see what Debbie is pointing at? I can't....

Daisy Fuentes clearly has our color theme down...the rest of the outfit she's workin' on...

Julianne Moore! Stunning as always! But isn't that...sea green? Or really, really off white?

Can someone please get Parker Posey a drink? Thanks....

Finally...Scarlett looks fuzzy, but mighty damn fine...a good birthday for me it will be...

Do join us!