John Cleese’s “Letter to America”
15 02 2008
Originally uploaded by Browserd.
Dear Citizens of America,
Dear employees of DisneyCoUK,
Dear employees of DisneyCoUK,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
We decline your revocation, and thus insist upon return of all Lend Lease vehicles provided in the period known as "WWII", or failing that, appropriate cash value prorated and compounded since 1938. Failure to provide such compensation will result in the turn over of The United Magic Kingdom to The Third Reich Collection Agency. We will accept Scotland as initial payment.
We decline your revocation, and thus insist upon return of all Lend Lease vehicles provided in the period known as "WWII", or failing that, appropriate cash value prorated and compounded since 1938. Failure to provide such compensation will result in the turn over of The United Magic Kingdom to The Third Reich Collection Agency. We will accept Scotland as initial payment.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Incorrect. Queen Elizabeth II shall resume her hand waving duties at Cinderella's Buckingham Palace, (known as "The Buck House", in proper Texan) until her 15 minute break begins, whereupon she is allowed to smoke in a location at least 50 feet from the entrance. The former "royal" known as "Prince Charles" ' name shall be changed to an unpronounceable glyph, thus heightening his "Q" rating. Former princes Harry and William shall be renamed "Charming" and "Aladdin" and assigned shifts when their outfits return from the cleaners.
Incorrect. Queen Elizabeth II shall resume her hand waving duties at Cinderella's Buckingham Palace, (known as "The Buck House", in proper Texan) until her 15 minute break begins, whereupon she is allowed to smoke in a location at least 50 feet from the entrance. The former "royal" known as "Prince Charles" ' name shall be changed to an unpronounceable glyph, thus heightening his "Q" rating. Former princes Harry and William shall be renamed "Charming" and "Aladdin" and assigned shifts when their outfits return from the cleaners.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
The return questionnaire will be expressed in ways that employees of DisneyCoUK can understand: "Do you feel lucky? Well, punk, do you?"
The return questionnaire will be expressed in ways that employees of DisneyCoUK can understand: "Do you feel lucky? Well, punk, do you?"
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. For a division of DisneyCo, your inability to grasp the concept of "bugger off" that you yourself have created is grounds for termination.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.” No individual whose fame, wealth, and reputation is partially based on his pronunciation of "knights" as "k-nig-its" shall ever be allowed to comment on the writing, spelling and pronunciation of US English, henceforth known as Vista English. Nor shall the creator and former head of The Ministry of Silly Walks shall be allowed to remark on walking, strolling, jogging or any other foot-based forward motion of anyone else.
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
This term is acceptable, as long as it is the anthem performed by The Sex Pistols.
[All subsequent DisneyCoUK employee funerals will play some variation of "Candle in the Wind," to stimulate CD sales.]
This term is acceptable, as long as it is the anthem performed by The Sex Pistols.
[All subsequent DisneyCoUK employee funerals will play some variation of "Candle in the Wind," to stimulate CD sales.]
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.” This locution is terminated under the "You can kiss my hairy yellow butt" Homer Simpson clause of your DisneyCoUK contract.
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Such passive-aggressive statements for DisneyCoUS employees would be dealt with by an appropriate spanking, however Upper Management is aware that such treatment for subdivision employees would remind them too fondly of their educational experiences. Thus, the correct palliative for DisneyCoUK employees would be regular flossing.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
DisneyCoUK employees do not need vegetable peelers, as per your tribal tradition of boiling all foodstuffs until greyness is achieved, whereupon lard is added. Henceforth all boiling by DisneyCoUK employees is banned. Italians may be employed for pasta water boiling, and all tea shall be placed in pouches like Red Man or Skoal and chewed, like tobacco.
DisneyCoUK employees do not need vegetable peelers, as per your tribal tradition of boiling all foodstuffs until greyness is achieved, whereupon lard is added. Henceforth all boiling by DisneyCoUK employees is banned. Italians may be employed for pasta water boiling, and all tea shall be placed in pouches like Red Man or Skoal and chewed, like tobacco.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. Yes we again are grateful for your reminder of the inferiority of American vehicles vis-a-vis their German peers in the 1940-1945 periods. Please report to a superior German made train which will properly seat you in an oven or shower of a design of such efficiency that it is not achievable in America. Bring your shower cap, gold fillings, and gratitude!
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour. Use of the terms "roundabouts" and "humour" allow you your standard employee allotment of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors as per your Employee Manual. See the section "Feeling Goofy?"
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it. Subdivisions of DisneyCo shall report to Corporate, not the other way around. Failure to comply will result in your divestment to Tata Motors, like Jaguar and Land Rover.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar. As DisneyCoUK falls in the territorial waters of DisneyCoIceland all cod and fried potato decisions will come from Reykjavik. Mr. Cleese would be aware of this, had he bothered to install Service Pack 1 of Vista English, but this is clearly a technically skill beyond his ken.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
So as to afford the proper verisimilitude to an otherwise otherworldly DisneyCoUK dining experience, of course.
So as to afford the proper verisimilitude to an otherwise otherworldly DisneyCoUK dining experience, of course.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. British Bitter is not a proper name but a state of being cured by ice cold Budweiser. and Nascar. [The irrational fear of the refrigeration of beer is really a fear of class conflict. Better to drink the room temperature contents of the crankcase of a Morris Minor than enjoy something actually cool and refreshing that may question other British food choices and upset the existing social order.]
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. When non-buggery related acting skills are required, English actors are insufficient and such parts will be filled by members of the Commonwealth whose nations are sufficiently fiscally supine, as per historical tradition.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Hugh Grant fulfills this contract obligation, and the casting of non-Hugh Grant actors will dilute the Hugh Grant brand, which would be understood by Mr. Cleese if he had had the business acumen of someone who was not British Bitter.
[ Mr. Cleese is of sufficient age and sagacity himself that we would allow him, in a lesser fantasy or sci-fi epic, to be the filmic embodiment of a plastic figurine, provided with no fewer than 4 animated Dead Parrot Ghost sidekicks, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, Courtney Love, Fran Drescher, and Henry Rollins. Resourceful American children, in playing with this life-like toy, would, invariably, stick the plastic head in the butt of the house cat, thus anticipating both critical reaction to the film itself, and a neat visual summation of the actors career. In exchange for saying no more than a dozen lines written by a Southern Californian screenwriter whose cocaine expenditures are a significant digit of the Columbian GNP, Mr. Cleese would receive more money than all British actors have received throughout all of history combined. In his contractually obligated appearance at the premiere of this epic, he would express his great interest in reprising his role as Rectal Doody-Head KenobiDooku in exchange for enough money to either buy Wales, or an amount of ladies undergarments capable of eliciting from himself 2-3 semi-erections over an 8-10 week period of masturbation. He would then go back to being British Bitter and complaining to all who will listen of his lot in life...]
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater. That Emma Thompson is the manliest actor working today in DisneyCoUK, is all the refutation needed to this line of argument. Further discussion may be had with the newest head of all DisneyCoUK education as pertains Vista English, one Dick van Dyke. [Kenneth Branagh's ersatz Woody Allen impression in Celebrity makes Ms. McDowell's work in "Four Weddings" look like the Platonic Form of Katherine and Audrey Hepburn.]
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Hugh Grant fulfills this contract obligation, and the casting of non-Hugh Grant actors will dilute the Hugh Grant brand, which would be understood by Mr. Cleese if he had had the business acumen of someone who was not British Bitter.
[ Mr. Cleese is of sufficient age and sagacity himself that we would allow him, in a lesser fantasy or sci-fi epic, to be the filmic embodiment of a plastic figurine, provided with no fewer than 4 animated Dead Parrot Ghost sidekicks, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, Courtney Love, Fran Drescher, and Henry Rollins. Resourceful American children, in playing with this life-like toy, would, invariably, stick the plastic head in the butt of the house cat, thus anticipating both critical reaction to the film itself, and a neat visual summation of the actors career. In exchange for saying no more than a dozen lines written by a Southern Californian screenwriter whose cocaine expenditures are a significant digit of the Columbian GNP, Mr. Cleese would receive more money than all British actors have received throughout all of history combined. In his contractually obligated appearance at the premiere of this epic, he would express his great interest in reprising his role as Rectal Doody-Head KenobiDooku in exchange for enough money to either buy Wales, or an amount of ladies undergarments capable of eliciting from himself 2-3 semi-erections over an 8-10 week period of masturbation. He would then go back to being British Bitter and complaining to all who will listen of his lot in life...]
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater. That Emma Thompson is the manliest actor working today in DisneyCoUK, is all the refutation needed to this line of argument. Further discussion may be had with the newest head of all DisneyCoUK education as pertains Vista English, one Dick van Dyke. [Kenneth Branagh's ersatz Woody Allen impression in Celebrity makes Ms. McDowell's work in "Four Weddings" look like the Platonic Form of Katherine and Audrey Hepburn.]
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”). That speakers of Vista English would put on neon colored (note the proper spelling!) panties that a Montmartre prostitute would find garish as a "uniform", and willingly lose repeatedly to non Vista English speakers in a sport analogous to watching squirrels forage in a park, is the clearest violation of the Vista English contract. The contractual exemptions to this are NBA basketball, and any sport , including checkers , played by Australians, which assume a virility not understood by filthy, bed wetting English k-nig-its, who express their love for "soccour" (shouldn't that be its proper spelling?) by their secret desire to be Victoria Beckham.
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Mr. Cleese is unfamilar with the concept of "Japan" (at the very least!) as it was not one of the countries held at gunpoint by his nation within the last 100 years. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven. Not an error, a feature. Every day the world should be grateful that DisneyCoUS does not have an interest in world affairs that most European branches of the corporation have had historically. If we had indeed had such interest, I would have requested Mr. Cleese be my pet Englishman, given to me by one of the sons of Harry Truman who would still have reign over England, Wales, and France.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad. JFK's assassination was a staged event designed to increase revenues for the Hall of Presidents, which, again , Mr. Cleese would have understood had he installed Service Pack 1.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776. Mr. Cleese's misunderstanding of the corporate structure of his organization includes his lack of awareness of Benjamin Disraeli's "Thank You Abraham Lincoln, may I have another?" clause in the contract, rendering this specious attempt at tax revenue collection Null and Void.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Yes, and I fart in your general direction sir!
Yes, and I fart in your general direction sir!
John Cleese
2 comments:
Hahahahaha! How long did this take you? Did you send a copy to him? Fucking brilliant. You must have been feeling a little, eh, drunk when you started this. Maybe you need to drink more in the presence of fine ladies who most certainly do not look like the Queen.
Absolutely spiffing old bean!!! Marvellous that you colonials can still spell doughnuts if you really try!
Her Maj will be mightily empressed when I pop over for afternoon tea and cucumber sandwiches and point her in your general direction. Hold that fart....
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